Sneak Eating into Adulthood

During my teenage years, my sneak eating grew to new heights. Despite the allowance of my Protein intake being the highest it had ever been, the PKU diet was still extremely tough. I just needed to eat all the time!

When I started secondary school, I got my own key, and I would be the first to get home most days. I would walk around the corner of my road expecting an empty driveway, and, on confirmation, I would excitedly pick up the pace. The all too familiar ‘Ready Brek’ man burning sensation inside me as I approached the door, key in hand.

I had about twenty minutes before I needed to leave and collect my younger brother from school. Once we had both returned home, Mum wouldn’t be very far behind! Hastily letting myself in, I didn’t mess around! I knew I only had a short window of time. Kicking off my shoes, I would bound upstairs, dumping my bag and uniform in a heap on my bedroom floor, change my clothes, and hurry back downstairs in a flash.

A sneaky packet of crisps, a biscuit; anything ready to eat which I could waft down quickly and easily, with no mess. I was always sure never to eat the last of anything. If the biscuit tin was full up, game on! If it was almost empty, then I would hunt for something else. Anything that would be less obvious it had been raided! Then, making a swift exit out of the front door, I would rush off to collect my brother.

During this period of my life, things were constantly changing. It wasn’t long before my brother was walking home from school on his own. I would just have to be home for when he arrived, to let him in. This meant my twenty-minute window home alone had now (thanks to my brothers very slow walking home, Cheers Bro!), become more like forty-five minutes.

This meant the end to my panicked rush home. Although I never hung around after school, my time home alone was too precious. I generally didn’t do any clubs, and I was very careful not to get any detentions. I would never do anything after school until I had gone home and ‘changed’ out of my uniform. Nothing would make me change my routine of going home to ‘stuff my face’; except for one person from school. That very special person, is now my beautiful wife!

Now that my brother had started walking home, I would let myself in  and carefully check that the house was actually empty, before getting changed and hunting for grub. I had even started checking the garden and garage everyday now! This paranoid behaviour all started when I came home from school one day and, as I’d expect, there was no car in the drive. But to my surprise, when I let myself  in, I found Dad unexpectedly at home! This was because the car had gone in for an MOT and Dad had finished work early. This really shook me at the time! I remember the disappointment and my heart sunk when I suddenly realised I wouldn’t be able to find any extra snacks that afternoon. It was also a real wake-up call! A huge realisation that getting caught mid munch was a very real danger.

It was at this time I developed the habit of sneak eating while standing in the lounge. I stood, transfixed on the lounge window looking up our road, watching out for an early returner! I started gobbling things down; they were barely touching the sides. Looking back, there was no enjoyment in this. I was on full alert at all times, my heart pumping hard! I was sure that I’d get caught sooner or later, and the thought of that scared the life out of me.

I was around 12-13 years old when I discovered it was a much safer option to go to the shops to buy and eat my food out instead. Best of all, I could go out with my mates and do it without sacrificing time with them to eat. So gradually, this became the new thing.

Whilst all my friends started going to the shops and into town at the weekend, spending all their pocket money and paper round wages buying the latest clothes, trainers and music; I was spending every penny I had on food!

I never had the latest clothes. All my Iron Maiden and Metallica T-shirts were old ones, that were ‘reduced to clear’. I just couldn’t afford to have the latest stuff and fund my eating habit.

When I went into town, whether on my own or with friends, I would always get off the bus, walk through the crowded market, into the shopping mall, and straight to the bakers. First purchase was a sausage roll from the ‘Swiss Chalet’. Sausage rolls were my thing. But, like I have mentioned previously, it was not about the sausage, but the pastry. I always had to have my pastry ‘fill’ and sausage rolls just happened to be the cheapest option. If any other pastry had been cheaper, then I would have bought that instead. On the rare occasion that a vegetable slice was available, I would have always opted for that instead.

My visit to town always ended with a visit to ‘McDonalds’, or preferably for me at the time, ‘Burger King’, as I would get to have onion rings as well as fries.

Prior to us heading home via the bus stop, we would always end up in a music shop. My friends would be buying T-shirts and/or albums; but, after eating my way around town, I never had much money left and would only have enough to buy a couple of singles, or maybe, on the odd occasion, enough to get a marked down T-shirt.

During this time, I was still sneak eating at home when a safe opportunity presented itself; while eating away from home progressively became my new normal. As I turned 15 and 16 years old, I spent more and more time out and about, with sleepovers becoming more frequent. I began getting a new fulfilment from eating with others; others who didn’t really know a great deal about my PKU diet. I never spoke about my PKU and, as I moved into new circles of friends, it was a huge relief to just blend in with everybody. Consequently, my PKU gradually became my secret and slowly, I moved away from it, in the knowledge that, being over sixteen I had outgrown the need for my restrictive PKU diet.

Writing this article has been tough. I have had to look really hard at myself. I have not only started dealing with the guilt I carry from this period of my life, but I do now question whether I have also been fighting ‘Binge Eating Disorder’.

I want to finish this by giving a special thanks to my fantastic parents. I have been truly blessed to have them. My Mum has worked tirelessly, cooking for me over the years and organising menus for school and camping trips etc; and I took this all very much for granted, as I guess all children do at that age. But I now know and appreciate the hard-work, dedication, support and love that was poured into my life from the moment I was born and every day since. Thank you both for everything.

Images from GettyImages and NSPKU

Sneak Eating in Childhood

The very first time I made the snap decision to start sneak eating, I must have been 4 or 5 years old. Back then, the house we lived in had the bathroom downstairs, at the very back. The only way to get to it was through the kitchen.

I remember that day clearly. Mum had left the kitchen and had gone to another part of the house. I spontaneously opened a cupboard door, grabbed a slice of bread from an opened loaf, and then dived into the bathroom to hide, while I devoured it.

I remember how I felt during that moment; that feeling of sheer panic when I almost got caught. That moment when Mum returned to the kitchen, while I was still eating that slice of bread, has stayed with me forever. Having stuffed it all into my mouth at the point I heard her returning, I was fully committed. To make it worse, Mum was now asking what I was doing in the bathroom! Unable to speak, I continued chewing ferociously in silence. I felt like the ‘Ready Brek’ man as I burnt inside with adrenaline! Mum had realised I was up to something, and subsequently, I remember getting told off, after sheepishly appearing from the bathroom.

Unbeknown to me at the time, this would become a regular habit in my life. I hated doing it even at that early age (and it never got any easier). I always felt extremely guilty. It felt very wrong, like I was stealing; but I was hungry!

I can’t remember the second or third time I took the opportunity to sneak eat, but I do know that the habit continued to grow. It started with the items I could easily get, and just the foods I knew I could eat. I was too scared to try anything forbidden by my PKU diet. I knew it was dangerous, and so it started with a biscuit from the biscuit tin or a bag of crisps; anything to ’fill a hole’.

As I got older, the habit of sneaking food grew with me. Over time, one sneaky biscuit became two, then three. At family gatherings, I would find myself hovering around the buffet table. I would wait for ages until everyone had left the room or area around the table. Then I could add a few extra crisps to my plate. Sometimes, I would quickly eat something and then replace it on my plate, before sitting with everyone in the next room. As I became older (about 10 years old), it then progressed to shoving a sneaky cocktail sausage in my mouth when no one was looking, or a party sausage roll; and so it continued. Anything I could find that would fit in one mouthful would be my target; and so my interest gradually turned to try new things.

This pattern of behaviour became a way of life for me. I can only describe it as some kind of survival instinct. This behaviour has never sat right with me. It felt wrong on every level, yet I felt I had no other choice! I was always hungry and increasingly dissatisfied with my PKU diet. It sounds ridiculous, but the satisfaction I had from a cocktail sausage, my goodness! The flavour, and the texture was like nothing I’d ever experienced. My mouth used to water at the mere thought of a chance at getting to eat something like that.

When I was sat in the car, and we would be driving to an Auntie’s house for tea; whether it was a party or a general gathering, I was already thinking about the buffet table. Depending on the occasion, or which relative’s house we were going to, I would already know what was likely to be on the buffet table. I would already be hoping to see party sausage rolls; they were my favourite! Although I loved my PKU pastry (it was unique in both its flavour and texture), having discovered ‘normal’ pastry, I just couldn’t get enough of it.

I always looked forward to family events immensely; whether it was barbecues, birthdays, or Christmas. It wasn’t just because I loved spending time with all of my family. I would also be very excited at the thought of a buffet table, and the treats it had to offer me. Every child loves the exciting build-up to Christmas. Putting up the Christmas tree, decorations, letters to Father Christmas and I was no exception. But for me, Christmas had another exciting event to offer. It was buffet season! We were talking back-to-back buffets, for a week or more! By January, I had certainly had my fill of vol-au-vonts, as well as sausage rolls. I even ate mushroom vol-au-vonts on one occasion, just to get my pastry fill (and I hated mushrooms)!

For me, one of the things I have always identified as a PKUer is the majority of our low protein food is either soft or crunchy (or both). Neither of these take much chewing; a few chomps and it’s gone.

As a child, I would always be the first to finish eating at the dinner table. I remember always being told to slow down, that I should chew my food properly. “You need to chew your food at least twenty-five times before you swallow it”, my Dad would advise me from time to time. I always took this challenge very seriously, but I could never understand why, before I had reached the tenth chomp, I was chewing on fresh air?! Despite this, and trying my best to continue taking it seriously, I would sit there and carefully count, chewing an extra fifteen times, even though my mouth was empty. Hence, I quickly reverted to my original eight chomps a mouthful. It felt like I was trying to beat ‘The Guinness Book Of Records’ for the greatest number of chews ever, whilst eating a single mouthful of roast dinner (with no meat)!

Consequently, as I grew older, so did my frustration at the lack of variety and satisfaction the PKU low protein diet offered me. As I grew into my teens, my appetite grew massively. I had many successful (or so I presumed) years behind me of sneak eating, that had meant my confidence was at an all-time high. Despite all the extra protein, at the time, I always felt fine. I was never ill. I never felt the slightest change in myself (although looking back now, I have a very different opinion), so I continued pushing the boundaries of my PKU diet.

Gradually,  this continued to build confidence in me, allowing me to normalise the habit of sneak eating in my head. I convinced myself, over time, that I was in control, and the habit became bigger and bigger.  Instead of just taking the rare occasions to sneak eat, I started looking for more frequent and safer options. It was at this point I started creating my opportunities. As I got older, this became easier, and I became braver, taking more and more risks. It had become a completely normal part of my life.

My next blog continues my story of sneak eating through to adulthood, which will be available here, in 4 weeks.

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